Tips for Growing a Bigger, Better and More Badass Beard in 30 days

Posted by Rhys Furner on

It is no secret that the end goal of all bearding is a full hairy beast – most people don’t start races that they do not intend to finish. Whether or not a man reaches the bearding finish line or collapses against the sink in a pile of beard hairs and exhaustion can be a result of a variety of factors including: Beardicide, wife vs. beard, conservative employment, or simply wanting change. However, regardless of the obstacles – the complaining partners, the pesky colleagues, the craving for soup – men will never turn away from fulfilling their primal destinies. So we have compiled a list of tips for you to grow a fuller beard in 30 days.

NB: This is not a buzzfeed/lifestyle/trash article that offers hypto-krypto nonsense like: “if you rub gooseberry juice on your beard while mashing it with an iron cross then it will grow quicker,” because none of that stuff really works. The only surefire solution is good old common (but not so common) sense.

Tip 1 – Step away from the mirror

Like anything in life, the more you look it at the uglier it becomes. Don’t trust me? Try getting close to a butterfly – they have weird sticky antennas, like a thousand eyes and a proboscis that surely has a taste for brains. Beards are the same. From enough of a distance beards are like butterfly wings – they are unique, beautiful and remind us of the wonders of nature. Though once you get too close to the hairy chin its flaws begin to emerge – patchiness around the left cheek, maybe it’s too wispy, is that beardruff?

We all want perfection and unfortunately that is one thing beards cannot offer – especially during their early stages of growth. So let go. Also, other people are rarely as critical of us as ourselves, so remember that you are your own worst enemy and that most people will just see you as a face with a beard. So instead of checking your beard in the mirror every half hour and becoming sensitive, self-conscious, and potentially driving yourself to Beardicide, give yourself a break between peeks, and hopefully by the time you turn back you will be God.

Tip 2 – Hands off face

Touching beards is irresistible to lady and manfolk alike. When bearding, women will flock towards your hairy shores for the opportunity of a stroke or fondle and it is up to you to keep them at bay – unless, you know, there are greater goals in mind.

The more a beard is stroked, picked, plucked or groomed, the slower it will grow and the less full it will become. Likewise, as with red wine and steak, contemplation and beard stroking are eternal companions. So either be gentle or keep those existential musings to a minimum and in 30 days’ time you will definitely notice a difference.

Tip 3 – Cleanliness is next to Beardliness        

Cleaning your beard is the ultimate secret to a full and luscious beard. Dirty beards become oily and dried out leading to split ends or matted hair which thins its appearance and essentially shortchanges your full growth. So clean your beard regularly with good quality beard shampoo, brush and comb it – but not too much, and try and keep trimming to a minimum as while it can help you to not look like a bum trimming too much can also prevent you from becoming a man.

Tip 4 – Maintain Moisture

As with cleaning, retaining moisture is invaluable to beard growth and fullness. Incorporate beard oil into your daily grooming routine. Beard oil conditions and moisturizes using natural oils which keep it healthy, stops split ends, and makes sure it grows straight. By directing all your beard hairs in the same direction your beard will look fuller and tougher and you will notice the difference in a few days and in a month you will Zeus.

Tip 5 – Boost your testosterone

Testosterone is natural beard juice, the more you have the more your beard will grow – simple as that. So crank up your man levels by incorporating more protein into your diet, engage in some dirty, sweaty physical work and have more sex. And if you need to be convinced to do more eating, working or fucking then you don’t deserve a beard.

Follow these 5 tips and in a month your beard will be fuller, healthier and stronger and you will be one more step closer to reaching your man fate. Enjoy. - Miles Bouchard

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