The Wedding Beard

Posted by Rhys Furner on

The cork is popped and wedding season has officially started. Relationships are being solidified with vows and rings in parks and churches, and consummations are rocking 5 star hotel rooms worldwide. Facebook feeds are overflowing with pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed looking ever so natural – yup hold that pose, right there, okay, no maybe over there, by that rock, now lift her up, smile and look happy.

Within these snaps there is either a bearded groom and a happy wife, freshly shaven groom and a happy wife, or just a bearded groom, by himself, no wife. You see, when you have a beard you must be tactical with your significant other – these are skills that you can take with you throughout your married life. So here are some tips for grooms, best men, groomsmen and plain old guests (though they can basically do whatever the fuck they want because they don’t matter).

Don’t Alter Your Beard Before the Day

Whether your fiancé fell in love with your beard the first time you met, was convinced through many hours of arduous inculcation, or simply developed a Stockholm-like trust and affection for her hairy captor, by the time the big day rolls round, we can assume that she has grown accustom to what your face looks like. So don’t make any drastic last minute changes because you suddenly become self-conscious, or think that a fresh face would go better with your tux. You want your wife to recognise you on your wedding day. This also goes for the best man, or anyone likely to be in an important photo – get the wife’s permission before you decide to rock the handle bar moustache – or you might get cursed forever by her wedding hex.

Fight for Your Right

Many bearded gents have totally chilled wives who don’t care whether or not you have a beard, or wear shorts to your wedding, or swear during your speech while recounting the story about how you drunkenly banged on your first date. Other potential wives will. And quiet often these ladies hate beards. Not only will you wake up each morning to menacing stares, quiet often these beard-hating fiancés will outsource help and recruit mothers, fathers, friends and bosses – anyone that has an ounce of authority over you will be trying to convince you that your beard has to go, just for the day and then you can grow it back, you look better shaven anyways. Even if this is true, fuck them. Well not really, you love these people. But do your best to convince them that while a wedding only lasts for a day, beards are forever.   

Trim a little

When God invented weddings he also invented compromise; the fundamental key to any successful marriage. Whether this means only having a couple beers at the pub on the way home from work, or watching Blue Valentine on the weekend instead of the new Quinten Tarintino flick, compromise will keep your love afloat. So when your wife says shave your face, offer to trim your upper cheeks. Maybe run a pair of scissors around the circumference to catch any stray hairs poking out of the flock. Rub some beard oil into that shit, brush it, comb it, and get it looking fancy. Acquiesce the perfect amount to prove you love and care about her but also stand your ground.

Only two things in this world last forever – love and beards – so try your best to unify them. And if you must choose one, remember, while wives may grow worse, poorer and sick, beards only get better, richer and healthier - Miles Bouchard

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