Beards and wives go together like waffles and chicken, at first they seem diametrically opposed, but with a little nurturing and open-mindedness, your beard, wife and you will become a ménage à trois dripping in maple syrup and understanding.
When you first begin growing a beard your wife is likely to treat it like a slutty concubine. She will be jealous, angry and confused. And if you don’t learn how to placate her qualms, and teach her that the beard is “a good thing”, ultimatums will inevitably force separations. So here are three ways to assist your beard and wife integration.
- Fake it to Make it
A wise man once said “the only talent you need in life is lying, once one can lie, he can do anything”. While we don’t condone lying about serious issues, we acknowledge that the odd white lie is sometimes necessary, particularly if it’s in support of a beard. In your first few months of bearding you will get more hate than love – people generally don’t like change and your beard will look patchy and unrefined. Your wife will draw on the opinions of others to back her beard hate. The quickest way around this argument is to pretend that the whole world loves your beard – conjure compliments, a nod from a stranger, your mum’s acceptance – anything that will convince your beloved that her views are unfounded.
- Normalize Beards
Just like when you buy a car and suddenly realize that everyone fucking drives the same one, you don’t notice the presence of beards unless you own one. It is therefore natural for your wife to think of your new beard as something weird and abnormal. It is up to you to desensitize your wife to beards: point out big beards you see around town, in magazines, or on movie stars, get your wife habituated to the concept of bearding and her negative judgements will soon wane.
- Be Supportive of Your Wife Not Shaving too
Let your wife know that change is welcome in your relationship – especially that of the hairy kind. Be supportive of her growing her armpits or leg hairs out. Hair growth is a two-way street, and once she understands this, her dominion over your beard growth will have no substance. Chances are your wife won’t take you up on your offer to go full Amazon, and even if she does, enjoy the tactility of her extra parts. She will let them grow for a couple of months and then stop and shave, eager to feel sexy again, and the whole time your beard will remain strong and respected.
Remember beards impact positively, they add not take away. So be confident – despite her empty threats your wife will come around. No marriage has ever been broken up by beard. You just need to include your wife on your new life path and she will stay by your side, beard and all – Miles Bouchard.