Berlin has a history as complex and intriguing as the meat inside of a Doner kebab. However, unlike their kebabs, which will satiate even the most ravenous of appetites, no matter how much of Berlin you try to consume you will always be left hungry and begging for more.
Berlin’s rich and troubled past crumbles in its old buildings, is exposed in its museums (there is a whole fucking island of them), and rumbles like a deep drawn out bass note through the city and its people. Though, that noise could just be the phat drop emanating from one of Berlin’s infamous unsleeping nightclubs.
For the art aficionados or haughty historians or architects among you, this city offers more antiquity than an Indiana Jones wet dream. So for this guide, rather than rehashing the obvious trails which you can probably discover in a brochure from Flight Centre, we have provided a list of some oblique happenings for you to sink your beards into.
Badeschiff: Bathing Ship - A combination of quirky art thing and legitimate solution to polluted waterways, the Badeschiff is a cargo container filled with water floating in the River Spree. In the summer, the pool offers a rejuvenating swim, beautiful women, live beats (techno of course), and a bar to keep you happy and hydrated. In the winter, the container transforms into an indoor health complex complete with heated pool, saunas and green juices that they promise will make you healthy. Oh and nudity is required.
Kastanienallee - Kastanienallee is one of the few gentrified areas that has retained its bohemian stench. After the fall of the wall, many buildings in this area were occupied by squatters, and as squatters generally have heaps of time, no money, and an alternate outlook, they quickly planted the seeds of culture into this once deserted and dilapidated avenue. Nowadays, Kastanienallee is a thriving biospace with a diverse range of boutiques, artists, freaks and creative nonsense which will leave you dually confused and bewitched.
Tropical Islands - Tropical Islands is like a 70’s movie set of a Tahitian beach inside an abandoned hangar in the middle of a city. Inside is a rich and diverse rainforest, snaked by waterslides, and gourmet restaurants, a beach and lagoon, and of course music and dancing. As it is big enough to fit the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower within, it can take quite some time to fully explore, so we recommend you spend a night there to fully acclimatize to this urban paradise.
Clubs - No list of Berlin happenings would ever be complete without its clubs. With everything from bondage, leather and latex to riverside raves and caves, this city is the womb of the world’s techno. To fully appreciate its magic we recommend spending a month in Berlin with little sleep and lots of partying, however if you are poor in time and money, the freaky three are Kraftwerk – an abandoned power plant filled with concrete, catwalks and calamity, Stattbad – a drained swimming pool only accessible through a network of tunnels and White Trash Fast Food – an old Chinese restaurant turned into a redneck palooza with tattoo studios, cinemas you can smoke in and greasy rock bands. It goes without saying that after Berlin, Sunday night roasts at your local RSL will never be the same.
Berlin is a city that pulses. You could just as easily ditch this list, grab a few tallies of fucking tasty beer, mill around the streets and fully experience this crazy city and its untold delights. So get there now and geschmack der innenseite der ananas you rumpelstiltskins. – Herr Miles Boucharden