Beards are currently infiltrating Australia faster than toads and halal food. Every day hundreds of barbershops open nationwide and our total beard oil usage multiplies. While stocks are high we need to take advantage of beard oil’s magic which repairs that sun-damaged, beer drenched, lady-loved, hairy chin friend of yours. So to assist your navigation next time you Google ‘beard oil Australia’ and are accosted by a stampede of nice smelling products all claiming to be the best, we have compiled a list of what Australian beard oil is not.
A warm lather of sand and vegemite – While this combination is likely to be what God dreamt of when he invented this weird marsupial ridden land, it is not good for beards and will probably give you a rash.
Prime Ministers – The decision makers of our country seem to have a long past of poor decision making, mostly concerning their clean shaven cheeks and chins. With the exception of one Chris Watson, Australia’s first Labor Prime Minister who was known for his “exquisitely groomed Vandyke beard”, all the pollies appear to be bankrupt in both morality and facial hair. Refrain from trusting their product.
Goon vomit – Whether it’s on your neighbour’s front lawn or filled with chunks of Weetbix, this sweet smelling mush is a beard no no and best left to schoolies, or your grandma.
Terra Nullius – Australian beards were definitely not terra nullius. The First Settlers documented the beards on Aboriginals as ‘very long and bushy’. Like most who are ignorant of beard growth, the settlers simply assumed that Aborigines’ beards were massive and amazing due to nature and neglect, when in fact they were routinely trimmed – mostly with fire.
Hugging your mates – This activity is best left to Europeans and Panda Bears. Hugging can cause awkward responses mostly ending in a handshake. It can also damage your beard by compressing it on other heads, and when two or more beards collide tangling is likely to occur.
Craft Beer – This stuff tastes delicious, nearly as good as VB, but despite the incredible beard-aimed marketing and what you may think when a big bit of froth gets stuck around your mouth, it won’t do shit for your beard.
Australian beard oil isn’t full of microbeads and sodium lauryl sulphate. It won’t make you look 20 years younger or make you run faster. But it is as important to Australian beards as cold beer, salt water and Ned Kelly and will make your beard fucking amazing helping you to fight the harsh Australian elements face first.