Barba Scabrosus: The Itchy Beard

Posted by Rhys Furner on

ITCHY BEARD

Scientists believe that before the advent of razors and beard oil, prehistoric man would actually rip out his hair with his bare hands due to the annoyance of the itch, which is why we no longer have hair round our eyes and on our arses – well most of us. Beard itch is the chicken pox of the face, the baby crying in the cinema, the ulcer on the roof of your mouth. It is the constant, niggling nuisance that, according to our Buccaneer polls, is the main cause of general beard dissatisfaction and beardicide. However, thanks to the ever fruitful relationship of science and beards, you can sedate the itch and reclaim your inner wolf.

So you have begun the path of beard growth, are about a week into fulfilling your man destiny, and an unholy plague of itch has swarmed your beard crops. Don’t worry, this is not retribution for your enslavement of Israelites, though if you have Jews in your basement it couldn’t hurt to set them free. No, beard itch is not a curse, disease or deformity. Rather it is a natural stage of bearding that even the softest gents must overcome.

When you shave your beard you are effectively witling each individual face hair into a tiny spear. These spears normally don’t get the chance to do any damage, but when you begin bearding they show their might. They basically curl back in on themselves and begin stabbing you in the face. This will last for up to 4 - 6 weeks and then gravity will pull your beard down and relieve you of the itch.

The problem is that most men will shave before gravity has the opportunity to work its magic, the irritated skin, rashes and itches are too much for them to handle. Others will puff out their chests, grit their teeth, and tough their way through the itch. While this is possible, it is no longer necessary thanks to the myriad of potions available to the modern man.

The more I engross myself in the world of beards, the more I discover all the fucked up shit people are doing to themselves and their beards. One recurrent blunder is the shampoo man. His rationale is sound: if it works for your scalp, it must work for your face. But no, the difference between your scalp and cheek is like comparing your calloused knees with your tender ball sack – one is much more sensitive than the other. So if you smother shampoo and conditioner, which can be quite toxic, on your beard it will clog your pores, dry out your skin, make it flakey, and multiply the itch factor.

Just as cars need the right fuel and not all girls enjoy your ‘special move’ (despite what you may think), your beard hair must be treated as its own entity. Firstly, grab yourself some beard oil. This stuff has been brewed by scientists (Buccaneer Grooming's Chief Beard Chemists) and bearding greats to effectively condition your beard, moisturise your face, and smell fucking great. It not only relieves itchy beard instantly, but it stimulates growth and straightens it out, making it an invaluable product for all stages of bearding. Check here for advice on how to apply beard oil and a breakdown of our beard oil's ingredients and how they work.

So ditch the itch, stop trying to be the baby-faced prince charming and become the wolf – he can see better, hear better, eat better, and he always gets the girl (and her grandmother) - Miles Bouchard.

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